The below excerpt is from relationship God Christian Carter’s blog -www.catchhimandkeephim. He hits the nail on the head describing what a real man wants. He says a real man wants an emotionally mature woman.  Well that is great, but the most difficult area for any woman to grow in is in the world of emotions. So this can set up a bit of a dilemma. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to kick and scream and only accept things my way in my relationship, but it never gets me the results I want. In fact I end up with a man (my wonderful El Guapo) who is overwhelmed and resentful and withdraws. Expressing emotions should bring a couple closer, not create more distance. It takes a huge amount of emotional maturity to be in a relationship and us women pretty much trip, fall and eat sh** all the way through the growth process. Cheers to us women who give it a try. 🙂 

When you practice The Art Of Loving a Man you not only become the center of his world, but you also grow into and become the beautiful Goddess you were meant to be.  The Art of Loving a Man is all about keeping your man’s attraction for you strong by maintaining a wonderful vibe that screams “I am peaceful and happy” (with or without him).  That is the key to his heart. Then he sees you as a Goddess that he can adore, cherish and love above all other women. When your man knows that you are strong on the inside and soft on the outside, he can’t help being drawn to you. This is the case even in a long-term relationship. See text picture El Guapo sent me this morning above. It feels so nice to have his energy always flowing toward me 🙂 

PHOTO: “MM” by MICHAEL ROTHMANThe Real Work Is In Your Own MindOne of my favorite spiritual teachers, Marianne Williamson, often uses a quote in her lectures that is very powerful. It goes something like this, “When sh#$ hits the fan, stay on your own side of the fence.” So what exactly is so powerful about this quote? It is the idea that when you are upset about something it does no good to blame the other person. The real work is inside your own mind. This is a very useful skill to use in intimate relationships because getting lost in the idea that the other person is horrible and has to change is a useless battle. It only breeds resentment and disconnection. On top of that it kills a man’s attraction for you and makes him withdraw.

Letting go of control is probably about the most difficult thing a woman faces in her relationship with a man. Letting a man lead and respecting his relationship timeline and emotional tempo (the time it takes for him to become more intimate and vulnerable) can drive any woman into wild hysterics. Men want to feel that they are the ones moving the relationship forward and making decisions based on what they want and women can make the big mistake of not giving a man the space for him to lean in towards them. If a woman begins to push a man and control, he will only resist more. Even if he wants what she wants, if she pushes he will resist. I know it does not sound fair, but once you accept it is this way you can move beyond it. If you embody the characteristics of a Goddess you can gentle and lovingly  guide him toward a beautiful relationship. It requires tremendous emotional and mental courage and strength to do this. You must learn to lovingly accept certain situations as they exist for now, you must be patient and compassionate. Above all else you must have mercy on him when it feels like your needs are not being met. You cannot make him into the enemy. It will only create distance between you. You must allow him to be when he hits the limits of how much he can give or love. You must see the goodness in him and keep your heart open so he can learn to grow and become more. When the fire begins to burn in you and  you want to blame him, you must know that the relationship is doing exactly what it is meant to do – it is causing you to learn how to love deeper and let go of control. 

Keeping the pathway clear between you and your man is essential to intimacy and a healthy love life. The key is learning to communicate. Good communication leads to a man feeling closer to you. Bad communication leads to a man pulling away. 

PHOTO: ILONA OLKONEN               The more I think about The Art of Loving a Man the more I realize how much healing a woman must do within her own heart in order to practice all the wonderful things I talk about here on this blog. If you read my blog you know that I have some particular things that are required of you in order to be that soft, sweet, yet powerful Goddess that you were born to be. One of the most important practices is the art of emotional management. If you are not in touch with your feelings and know how to deal with the pain in your heart when it comes up then you will not be able to truly love a man. This is because the love you have for him is created and nurtured inside you and then extended into the relationship. The love you feel is not something from outside yourself. It is not something he gives you and then you give back. It begins with you. The peace and love you bring to your relationship is the love in your own heart. If your heart is wounded and closed then you will bring that broken energy to your man and no matter what he does, good or bad, you will find a way to sabotage it and then you will blame him and think you are the victim.

How do you communicate with a man?  – Short and Sweet. You calmly make your I feel….. statements, with no blame or criticism, and then you stop. You don’t go on and on about how horrible he is and how awful you feel. You don’t throw a pity party and bring up 100’s of examples of his bad behavior or your proof why he is so awful now. You say I feel….. I don’t want to feel this way and then you give him some kind of guide as to what would make you feel better or how he can fix it. Remember men are action oriented and solution focused. They don’t understand the complex world of a woman’s emotions. They don’t  know grey, they know black and white. They understand that if something is wrong then logically they should fix it. They get overwhelmed by strong negative emotion and it literally makes them shut down. This does not mean you cannot cry and have feelings, but it does mean that you do not attack. It also means you help explain to him how to make you happy again (aka the solution) or you state your feelings and then let it go. It is his job as a man to figure out how to make things better. If he can’t make it better, it is your job as a woman to accept that.  Here is another thing about men – When they hear that you are unhappy they take it as a personal attack no matter what. Their goal and sense of pride is in making you happy. So when you are constantly coming to them with your unhappiness (which I believe is 90% your own self-made unhappiness) they feel like failures over and over again. This then makes them pull away from you because all they know is that it does not feel good to be around you. Then when they pull away it triggers you and makes you feel abandoned or like he does not care and you get even more upset. Then he gets overwhelmed by all the negative emotion and pulls away even more. You shut down your heart because you are hurt and he shuts down his heart because he has no idea what is going on or how to fix it.  This is how most relationships fall apart. So in order to not let this happen you have to gain control of your emotional world so you can calmly voice your feelings. This also requires that you learn how to feel your feelings (This part is huge!).You also have to begin to take 100% responsibility for how you feel so you don’t blame and attack him and then you extend compassion and grace to your man. Remember if he feels emotional safety (no blame, attack) and kindness from you (which is difficult to do when you are triggered),  he will move mountains to help fix the problems. In the end all he wants is to be your hero. It’s a Goddess’s job to pave the way for him to accomplish that. 

When I woke up this morning El Guapo (my boyfriend) had already left to work, but not without adding a reminder to the list I made for myself the night before.  (See picture) The reminder was “I love you.” It was a sweet and romantic gesture that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It is the little things men do to make sure you know how special you are that makes all the difference. Yet, you must remember that it is you who inspires them to do these things for you. I was soft, sweet, gentle and playful all weekend. I gave him emotional space when he was overwhelmed with work and I reminded him how happy he makes me at every opportunity. Now don’t get me wrong it was not all roses – I had an issue that was bothering me “big time” and I just voiced my feelings without trying to control him or blame him. He listened and validated my feelings and we moved on. Each day, I keep inspiring him to shower me with affection, love and adoration and it feels AMAZING!!!! Oh and when I talk to him on the phone this morning he said “I already miss you now that you are gone.” This is how in love a man should be with his woman. It feels heavenly!

Learning to stay centered and balanced in times of intense emotional upheaval is difficult and takes so much willpower and love that I almost believe it is a practice saved for Buddha and Jesus. Yet, it is the key to intimacy. It is vital to becoming a Goddess. Intimacy is about connecting to each others hearts and keeping both hearts open. If you do not learn how to control and express your emotions, without blame and attack, your man will shut down and you are left on your own. Yes, we wish men did not do this, but they are sensitive creatures underneath their man armor and they can’t take emotional attacks. They just don’t know how to. So learning to take responsibility for your own perceptions, feelings, and triggers and then learning to express yourself in a loving way, will keep your connection with your man alive. In fact he will be in awwww of you. You will be like a mystical creature to him and he will love watching you be in touch with your feelings, since he is of another land. Just remember – no blame, criticism or attack.

The more I read Kristina Marchant’s e-books the more I realize what it means to be a real woman and goddess. First of all it means loving yourself enough to not chase a man. It means never begging for more time, commitment or attention. It means every time you find yourself obsessing over him, you turn your attention back on yourself. It means not making him the center of your world and always making sure you can live without him. It means being in touch with your feelings so you can be open and vulnerable with him and connect with his heart. It means you create space between the both of you so he can have room to move toward you and bring you light. Then as Kristina’s Marchant says you take that light and you weave it into a beautiful relationship that inspires him to keep giving.  This is the way a man and a woman are suppose to be in relationship with each other. The problem is that us women have lost our way. We are hollow inside and think a man will fix our existential emptiness. It’s not true. The fix is spiritual in nature. The solution is for you to develop your connection with love/life and or whatever you call your higher power. You connect yourself to something that sustains you from the inside. Once you do this then you can have a real relationship with a man because you will not be depending on him to make you feel happy and secure. Until then you are just an energy vampire and he knows it. .