A while ago I thought I just needed the right man to love me in just the right way before I finally felt that deep sense of fulfillment that we women so desperately seek in relationship with men. I thought if I could only find a man that was affectionate, romantic and masculine then I could finally feel loved. Then enters El Guapo, barging into my life like a knight in shining armor. He went from a boy to a man, saying and doing all the right things and challenging me to grow and love in ways I never knew I could. He began to make all my wildest dreams come true as he loved me and showed up in the relationship exactly the way I needed him to. Yet, instead of feeling fulfilled I felt numb. I could not believe it. Why numb? Everything I have ever wanted was in front of me and I was frozen in fear. This has been an amazing lesson for me and I suspect other woman have gone through this also. I can only surmise that the reason I was fear stricken was because there was no one to blame and nothing to fight against. There was just pure unconditional, wonderful love pouring in from an amazing man. This meant I had to be real, vulnerable and have an open heart in love. This is why I froze. Over the last few years, I have learned that it is not that love does not show up for us, it’s that we don’t know what to do when it does show up. With no defenses or no self-sabotaging behaviors I am forced to let love in. It is a slow and painful process, but I know it is the next stage of growth. This stage is about allowing love in. I will call it the “Art of Allowing Love In.” For most of this year I have felt like I am stepping off a cliff into the abyss. I would never have guessed this was the next stage in love. I thought the right man and the right relationship was the end of the road. Little did I know that once those things show up you must drop your barriers to love  if you want to go beyond and see what lies on the other side. A Goddess is brave enough to take this step and wise enough to know it is her own barriers to love that  stand in her way.

     I read a lot of articles warning women to stay away from emotionally unavailable men and although it makes sense, I do think that we attract partners that have the same level of emotional wounds as ourselves. Therefore, if you attract an emotionally unavailable man, then that would mean on some level you also are not emotionally available. I know this can be difficult to hear, but it is true and accepting this fact will set you free on a deep level. For example, a needy/clingy woman thinks she is available for love, but just can’t find the right man. The truth is that she is in fact so out of touch with her own emotional world she is not even capable of true intimacy. Just like an emotionally unavailable man is distrustful and caged up by his own defenses, he also is not capable of intimacy. They are the same thing just manifested differently in different people.  So instead of blaming a man for being emotionally unavailable use it as an opportunity to look at ways you might also not be ready for intimacy. 

On this blog, I often talk about the concept of leaning back (aka standing still) in a relationship. It is a concept that was developed by Relationship Coach, Rori Raye. It does not matter if you are just dating or married. It is a vital concept in “The Art of Loving a Man” because it is all about staying in your feminine energy and “Being” instead of “Doing.” Women have been taught to be masculine and fix problems and manage and control things in relationships. We have lost the art of allowing. To just allow things to be, is so foreign it feels unnatural to us. Yet, as a woman it is the most natural thing we can do. It is a mans job to cherish your feelings, help fix relationship problems, and direct his energy toward you.  So why would you want to stay in your feminine energy? So your man will move into his masculine energy. Once he does this, you and your man can experience balance, polarity attraction and romance. The key to leaning back is that you also stay warm and inviting at the same time. It is an art you learn. Whenever you and your man are experiencing a little friction or he seems to be withdrawing or you are dating a new man, there will come a time you will need to lean back and stand still. Doing this will create space between you and your man and he will be able to direct his energy toward you when he is ready.

I promised myself I would blog more about relationship expert, Dr. Pat Allen’s, philosophy since it has been such a huge catalyst in changing my love life. While browsing the internet I found this great article by Rachel Claire. She is definitely a Pat Allen student. She clearly explains one of Pat Allen’s big rules – No  sex without a commitment.  See below.

Believe it or not most men crave deep emotional intimacy with a woman. The only thing standing in the way is a man’s ability to feel emotionally safe with his woman and a woman’s ability to keep her heart open and stay vulnerable and still. Men want to connect with women, it’s just that often women are so lost in their fears and self-loathing sabotaging behaviors they leave very little for men to connect with. Therefore, a woman’s work is in her own heart – softening the hard parts and learning to feel the wounded pieces. When a woman turns to herself to do this work she will then feel comfortable staying open and inviting him in. Women are the gatekeepers to the mystical world of love and emotion. We invite men in and let them get lost in this magical world. Men want a woman who is in touch with her emotions on a deep level. He does not want her to never feel anything. He just does not want the cheap drama. There is a big difference. A Enchantress knows this difference and it is part of why she magnetizes men. Men unconsciously need and seek this love and deep emotional connection and once they get a taste of it they will never leave. No matter what is going on in your relationship or marriage turn toward yourself and focus on your feelings and triggers. Breathe and find your personal path to healing and you will then change everything.

Over and over again I am reminded that men are different creatures and react to stress differently than women. They close up and shut down to feel better. While women need to share, connect and sometimes cuddle in order to feel better when they are stressed out. A Goddess knows that in order to create emotional safety for her man, she absolutely MUST give him space when he is stressed or not feeling emotionally or mentally well. A Goddess has her own life and her own ability to conjure up good feelings when her man needs to retreat to his cave. She does not take it personal or go chasing after him. She lets him come back when he is ready. She knows that if she stays centered, he will cherish her for her ability to give him space. Then when he is feeling better (1 hr/1 day/3 days??) he will return and show her more affection and attention. Sometimes a Goddess has to bite her tongue and take care of her own feelings during this time, but she does it with courage and compassion. See below blog from John Gray – www.marsvenus.com

I have come to realize that The Art of Loving a Man is about authenticity and vulnerability. This means a Goddess must know the energies of her own heart with all it’s twists and turns. She must know the depth of her own darkness and the heights she can soar to. For a woman feelings can be overwhelming and scary and pushing them down and pretending can be much easier. Yet, she must learn the ways of her own heart so that she can open up and connect to her man. She also must know this so she can communicate in a gentle way the feelings that arise in her (both good and bad). The reason she must communicate her feelings in a real and vulnerable way is so a man can experience her as an emotional creature and therefore access his own emotions in her presence. Swimming in the world of feelings and emotions (not drama and emotional intensity) is scary for a man, but it is what connects him to a Goddess and it is this connection that he secretly yearns for. A man is not whole until he experiences emotional connection.  The more I study relationships and love the more I realize that we all need a safe space to express ourselves without judgment. This is the space where real love is created. See article below by my mentor Relationship Queen – Rori Raye.

On this blog, The Art of Loving a Man, I talk a lot about how important it is for a Goddess to be in touch with her feelings. I describe how once you have control over your emotional world you can inspire a man to be your Prince Charming because you provide him with what he needs – emotional safety. The one thing I have not wrote much about is how to get in touch with your feelings (especially your pain) in order to give him this safety. We think that we know how we feel when we say “I feel sad” or “I feel angry,” but we do not realize that we are just describing thoughts in our head. The real feelings are physical sensations that reside in our body – throat, chest, heart and stomach. This is where a woman gets in touch with her feelings. When you are sad, angry or anxious what do you feel physically? Can you actually open your heart and breathe into the space that hurts. The reason most of us do not want to feel the physical sensations of our feelings is because it hurts too much. So instead we stay in our head and create elaborate stories about why we are right and our man is wrong. Then we attack and blame him and demand he change. This is only a short term solution and does not work. The real work is in feeling the sensations and then being calm enough to express these feelings to your man. This is the real work of a Goddess. She owns her feelings and knows them on a deep intimate level because she is courageous enough to feel them. My favorite author, Michael Singer, explains this process in his wonderful book, “The Untethered Soul.” He says the pain in your heart is old and it’s been there since you were young. The man in your life now is just triggering it. Now your work is to finally feel it and release it. You have to lean into your pain and bring your awareness into it’s sensations in order for it to dissipate.  The Art of Loving a Man begins with the work you do on yourself. You bring to a relationship your own wounded patterns and the success you seek in relationships will always begin with healing your own heart. Check out an excerpt from Michael’s book below. 

I think it is important to be aware of yourself and really look at how much you discount the feelings of the man in your life. How often do we railroad right over our man’s needs and experiences by making our own more important?  When our feelings get hurt, it is like a certain type of tunnel vision washes over us. This narrow focus only allows us to see what we are feeling and what we need from a man to make our uncomfortable feelings go away. We don’t have the emotional capacity to be compassionate toward his feelings. I think this is very disheartening for a man in a relationship. In fact it is a big determinant in whether he decides to commit to a particular woman. A man does not say it, but he is aware of whether a woman creates a balance in the relationship. Does she offer up space for his feelings and respect his needs or does she make things always and only about herself. This is such an important key in The Art of Loving a Man. A woman who has control over her emotions and fears can allow space for her man and accept his reality which in turn sends him the message of respect (his deep unconscious need). He will feel a deep emotional attraction to this woman for this reason. Yet, if a woman is not in touch with her own feelings and fears and is so full of anxiety and discomfort that she only uses the relationship to temper her wounds he will feel a deep lack of respect and withdraw. Like I say all the time, men are very intuitive and they know very quickly which woman you are.  So the answer always remains the same – do the hard and difficult work of healing your own heart and leave him out of it. He is not your problem. The problem is the unhealed broken energies that get kicked up and surface when he pushes your buttons. He did not create those energies, he was just sent to you to stir them up so you can take on the responsibility to see them and heal them. A person that is doing their own healing work can always make room and space for another persons feelings and experiences and a true Goddess knows how to do this in a soft, sweet and loving way. 

Featured Expert:  Rori Raye Are you chasing after a man and don’t even know it? I know how frustrating it is to sit back and let a man drift away. Every single one of us women instinctively want to go run after a man, grab him and thrown him to the ground, rather than let him get away.

Needs a woman to show appreciation for little and big thingsNeeds a woman to respect his thoughts and ideas