The more I study relationships and relational dynamics between the Feminine and Masculine the more I realize that wonderful relationships have everything to do with how healed you are inside your own heart and soul. My search for understanding always leads me back to Spirituality. The conflict you have in your relationship is usually old unresolved pain (painbody) and it keeps resurfacing when you get intimate. One author that I have benefited the most from is Eckhart Tolle. He talks about unresolved pain as the painbody. He says that in order to diminsh conflict in your relationship you must gain awareness of your own painbody and when it is activated. I have practiced his teachings and it has made a huge difference for me. See below explanation of how the “painbody” works in relationships. I hope this sparks a light in some of you to begin your own inner journey of awareness. As I always say – Take the focus off of him and put it on you! 

“When you are just as comfortable in discomfort as you are in comfort, you are FREE” – anonymous  I read this quote the other day and it reminded me of the core foundation to a good relationship with a man. The core foundation to a good relationship with a man is when you are okay and feel good with whatever he does. Maybe he does something magical and romantic that lights up your heart and you feel peace or maybe he is inconsiderate or thoughtless and you still feel peace. This is the key! Of course you can be upset and should voice your feelings to him, (trick is to do it with no blame, or criticism) but peace should be the undercurrent beneath your emotion of anger or sadness. I know this sounds complicated and strange yet, this is what allows a woman to stay centered in her Goddess energy when her man is not meeting her expectations. Staying centered (aka standing still)  with an open heart is what triggers his passion and attraction for you.  A man absolutely goes crazy over a woman who has control over her emotions. It is not easy work. It all begins with your inner emotional world and once you have your inner emotional world under your control you will sparkle and shine and will mesmerize any man. I practice this principle all the time and I promise you it works. 

Personal healing and growth through relationships can be funny sometimes. You can make huge leaps and make personal changes in your behavior and in how you relate to your man. Then in the moment when you least expect it, life throws you a curveball and you are back to your old ways. In the “Art of Loving a Man” blog, I emphasize how important clear, direct, non-blaming communication is in order for your man to feel emotional safety with you. Well, this week I have not followed a word of my own advice and I have pretty much become the worst communicator ever!  Even though I have read practically everything there is about relationships and relating to men, I have put absolutely nothing into practice in my personal life this week. Funny how that works?? I have reverted to old communication tactics that have proven disastrous, yet I can’t seem to stop myself.  My fiance “El Guapo” actually said to me this week, “what happened to all your wonderful communication skills because you really suck right now.” Lol!  All week I have been acting in that passive aggressive “nothing’s wrong”  but I am going to stomp around the house and make you ask me what’s wrong 30x mode. Oh and when I finally do tell him what’s wrong, I am not expressing real feelings. It’s a bunch of irrational rantings that turns him into the bad guy and does nothing to connect us but instead pushes him away. So now that I am aware of what I am doing, it is time to put this car in reverse and get back to the basics in, “The Art of Loving a Man.” So how do we communicate with our men? I have made some bullet points that I can print out and carry with me so when I am taken over by the insane voices in my head, I can quickly as possible get back on track. Hope this list helps a few other women out there when they are feeling a bit unsettled. Much love to you all and may you grow and love as peacefully as possible! 

A lot of women ask me what to do about a man that is not committing. I have heard stories about men that will not commit after 1 year, 5 years and even 7 yrs. The advice I give always begins with a woman changing the way she feels about herself and what she feels she is worthy of.  The answer is never about what to do or say to a man to get him to change. Wonderful relationships stem from the beauty and love inside your own heart. This love is then extended to another human and reflected in the world as a beautiful, romantic loving relationship. Remember if you change he changes. So never worry about him and always focus on yourself. See this lengthy, but enlightening article by my most favorite Relationship Coach, Rori Raye. If you have never purchased her programs you must do so now at www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com.

          This is a word I heard today on Dr. Pat Allen’s radio show as she was discussing masculine and feminine energy roles in relationships. Dr. Allen strongly believes that in order for there to be attraction and easy flow in an intimate relationship each person must embody opposite energies.  She says the feminine energy partner is passive, patient and vulnerable. The masculine energy partner is competitive and seeks to conquer and control.  She says it does not matter who is the actual female and male biologically, it’s just that each partner has to take on opposite roles. So a man can be the feminine partner and a woman can be the masculine if a couple agrees and this works for them. Dr. Pat Allen attributes her work to what she calls the quantum physics and ancient wisdom of Yin and Yang Chinese philosophy. She says the more respect you give a man the more he will feel motivated to cherish you. The more a man cherishes his woman’s feelings the more she will soften and respect him by letting him lead. This all sounds beautiful and it really is, except that actual living it is not so easy. I see myself as a feminine woman and I am having such a difficult time with letting go of control and respecting my man’s lead. I am able to let go of control in most areas in my relationship with “El Guapo,” but there are a few areas that I still seem not to be able to. I find myself pretending to let go, but deep down in my heart my heels are dug deep in the ground. I have lived most of my life in relationships embodying masculine energy and the shift away from that feels like death on some days. I feel so strongly that I know better how some things should be and to let go of that feels like plunging off a cliff into a dark deep sea. Yet, since I am a feminine woman and one of my traits is patience, then I will be patient with myself during this learning process. 

There are so many things to consider when thinking about what makes a relationship great. The thing that keeps coming up for me is how vital it is to use direct, clear, non-blaming communication with your man. It can turn a potentially bad situation into a loving connection. It works like magic! When I feel negative emotion between me and El Guapo the first thing I do is feel into my heart and find a way to clearly, directly and softly communicate my feelings. I do this without expecting him to do anything to fix me and I do this with the intention of connecting not attacking or criticizing him. Sometimes I am stumped as I stand there and all I can think of are words that scream “It’s your fault.” Yet, I breathe, switch my perception (from it’s your fault  to how can we connect) and choose my words wisely. When I do it right I am always amazed at how open and loving he becomes, even when the situation is tough. A Goddess communicates to connect with her man’s heart and she reveals to him her inner world and vulnerable feelings. This is the power of the Feminine. We Feel, We Love, We Open our hearts and connect. See Relationship Coach, Rori Raye’s guide below. 

This is one of my favorite articles by Relationship Coach, Christian Carter. A man’s need to withdraw is such an important thing to understand in “The Art of Loving a Man.” Whether he is withdrawing because he is overwhelmed with his work or with your emotional outbursts/demands it does not matter. The reaction from you will make all the difference. If you panic and start to push/pull on him harder he will continue to withdraw. If you stop and pull your energy into yourself and give him mental,  physical and emotional space he will catch his breathe and be able to move closer to you again when he is ready. Remember men and women have different brains and processes. Women need to connect and talk when they don’t feel good and men need to retreat into nothingness and gather their thoughts and feelings in order to figure things out. This requires a woman to be fully comfortable with her anxiety. Only then can she give a man space. This anxiety will feel like a million cactus needles piercing your heart. Just relax, feel and let go over and over until you feel lighter. I promise it will get better with practice. 

Today I am posting an article by a relationship coaching team made up of a husband and wife, Katie and Gay Hendricks. I have never posted an article by them before, but I am very intrigued by the concepts they discuss in this particular post. I have read their e-book, “Hearts in Harmony” and it is very good. They discuss a concept called “Projecting.” Projecting is when a person believes their current partner is to blame for how awful they feel, but in reality it is deep pain from their past that has been triggered by the current person/situation. Understanding how we project helps one to understand why we feel such deep emotional pain over and over again in our intimate relationships. This idea is key to your ability to heal your heart and have a relationship with loving energetic flow. The key is in what spiritual author, Marianne Williamson, says often in her lectures and books. She says, “We do not heal the past by dwelling there. We heal the past by living in the present.” So the pain from your past is being brought up by your current man, yet it is in healing with the man in your life now that your past is also healed. 

I believe one of the most important things a woman must learn on her journey to love is how to communicate her deep feelings with her man. Please note – this is different then acting dramatic. With this said, I believe the place women get tripped up the most is when they mistake old past pain for their present, genuine, vulnerable feelings. Here is a hint – old past pain is expressed as blame, criticism, complaints and whining. Genuine vulnerable feelings are able to be expressed with more softness and no attack. A woman must tweak out what are her genuinely vulnerable feelings and not her deep seated emotional baggage. After she does this she can learn to softly communicate to her man in a way that connects with his heart and makes him want to cherish her feelings.  A wise relationship coach (Christian Carter) once said “you want to communicate to connect” not communicate so he will do what you want, when you want it. When a man feels and sees you are a woman who can communicate her vulnerable feelings in a calm way he will see you as a very valuable woman.  He may even want to keep you all to himself since he knows that for most women communicating with men has become a lost art. Next time you feel something, tune into your body and try to feel if it is an old pattern or a genuine feeling that needs to be expressed. Then open your heart and find words that are non blaming and let him know how you feel. If you tune into yourself and you know what you feel is old emotional baggage then breathe into those feelings and let them go. Do not share your darkness with him, because it will only make you look crazy and make him pull back.  Take your time and be easy on yourself. You are a Goddess in training. See great article below.