I watched a documentary yesterday entitled “I am Maris.” It was a about a 17 yr old girl who suffers from anxiety and an eating disorder. She ends up turning to Yoga, which gives her a sense of inner peace and calm. In the documentary one of Maris’s Yoga teachers reads her blog and comments on how good it is. She advises her to talk more about the real struggles she faces internally. It was a very inspiring story and reminded me of the importance of having a personal connection with readers of my blog. I felt inspired today to write more about my personal relationship and how I work through my struggles. So here it goes. If you are familiar with my blog you know I refer to my husband as “El Guapo.” So El Guapo and I are coming up on 7 years together and 2 years married this September 2019. The first 3 years together he was a EUM (emotionally unavailable man) and I was a needy love addict hot mess. My blog is all about the tools I used to turn myself around which ultimately created the environment for him to change also. So where is our relationship today you might ask? Well, I am not going to lie. It is wonderful and without a doubt I deserve it after all my hard work! Yet, I want to be real, so I will also share that there are struggles also. One of the things I struggle with the most is control. I want to control EVERYTHING sometimes. Yet, feminine women let their men learn from their own mistakes. Like relationship coach, Pat Allen, says,

First let me say that feminine energy is a choice. Every person, male or female, has a choice which energy they prefer to radiate. The reason why it is important to know your preferred energy is so you can compliment your life with an opposite energy partner. The reason you want a opposite energy partner is so you can experience the thrill of polarity. Polarity is the attraction, chemistry and growth agent that comes from two opposite energies interacting with each other. On my blog when I speak of the Goddess life, I am speaking of a woman who chooses to live from her feminine energy. So what does the life of a feminine Goddess look like? Well, the most important thing a Goddess does is take care of herself – mind, body and soul. She exercises, eats healthy (chocolate is required lol), has a beauty routine, gets enough sleep, and nurtures relationships with family and friends. She commits herself to her passions and keeps her dreams alive. She has a spiritual practice and derives her trust in life from this connection. She is open to love and affection and engages her lover with her vulnerability. A feminine Goddess nourishes her life outside of her man and makes sure to spend time with other feminine women. She understands her triggers and is comfortable feeling her painful feelings. She calmly and skillfully expresses her feelings and is low drama. She respects her masculine man, lets him lead and shows appreciation for him daily. She gives love freely to those in her life, but she makes sure she gives to herself first. She excels in her career whether that be out in the world or at home. She takes care of her children. She carves out time to be quiet and self reflect, yet also knows how to have fun and be playful. She goes out into nature as often as possible. She fully experiences the sensual pleasures of life bubble baths to chocolate cake. She does things that make her happy and has the discipline to direct her mind to follow thoughts that feel good. She feels comfortable with her sexuality and enjoys the pleasure her man brings to her. Finally, she brings all this divine feminine energy to her man and allows him to experience her feminine radiance. As many of my readers know feminine energy is my way of life and what I feel most comfortable in. All the attributes I describe above encompass the woman I strive to be each day and without a doubt this is the woman my very masculine man adores. 🙂

Sometimes I feel like I run out of things to say about relationships, men and healing. I feel like a broken record repeating the same mantras over and over. As I scan the internet for inspiration I wonder how did things go so wrong between men and women. It’s not just in the United States either. I get views on my blog from all over the world. The most popular blogs on my website are,

What is your emotional trigger? Is it abandonment, rejection, acceptance, respect, being right, attention, control, freedom, predictability, being included etc… ? Whatever your trigger is, you can bet it is at the heart of your relationship problems. As I have repeated many times the key to healing your triggers is to become aware of when the negative energy takes over you. At that moment you must become present to the sensations in your body and witness your thoughts. The light of your presence (attention) dissolves your triggers. Yet, this process can take time. So what do you do in the moment when you are face to face with your man and he says or does something that sets off your trigger? Like I often tell my clients, do as little as possible. Breathe, relax and if needed make an “I feel statement.” For example, “I feel sad we are apart” or “I feel butterflies in my stomach because things are uncertain” and that is it! Do not expect your man to fix it or do something. The work is between you and you. You must sink into the feeling in order to release it. We cannot control people and we cannot expect our men to always make us feel loved and wanted. The only thing we can do is release this energy so it does not hold power over us. Let’s take this even one step further. The more difficult work is to transcend the flow of negative thoughts and emotions and continue to give love to your man. True intimacy is feeling triggered and keeping your heart open in the midst of this struggle. That means not withdrawing, attacking or becoming the victim. This is super hero sh*# if you ask me. lol! Seriously it is very deep spiritual practice. To keep your heart open and continue to let love flow outward to your man, in the midst of pain and ego crazed thinking, is nothing short of a miracle. Yet, once you do it you will see the results it brings. Your man will not withdraw and you will connect with his heart. You will realize there is a way out of the craziness of painful relationships. Everyday I remind myself that I seek liberation from the struggle in my mind and heart and vow to the universe that I am willing to do the difficult work for this love. It is the Goddess way!

See below things I say to my husband in a typical week that honors his masculinity and inspires him to cherish me. This is the natural feminine and masculine energy exchange that was meant to take place between men and women. This is not a game or manipulation. It is honest respect for the masculine. As relationship coach, Pat Allen, says “a man’s deepest unconscious desire is for his thoughts to be respected.” Moreover a man falls in love with how you make him feel. In my relationship, no matter how often the world makes my man feel like a failure he can always count on me to make him feel like a hero. I am his safe, sweet space. In turn, he lives to protect, cherish and make me happy. Please remember this dynamic exists between us after many years of working on our issues. I have been through the dark night of the soul and experienced immense pain trying to figure out how to push through my negative thoughts patterns and release the stored pain inside my heart. It has not been easy and it is still work that must be practiced daily.

I feel inspired today to share Eckhart Tolle’s work. In his book “A New Earth” there is a chapter entitled “Breaking Free.” It is referring to your ego and it’s negative emotions. Eckhart refers to your negative emotional triggers (aka the fearful thoughts in your mind) as the pain body. The reason this is important to understand is because when the “pain -body” is activated it makes you behave in a way that scares a man on a deep level. The “pain-body’ is your biggest enemy to building a loving relationship with a man. See excerpt below.

A few days ago, I received an email from Katarina Phang. The title was – “You Gotta Let Him Fall In Love First Before He Can Put Up With Your Emotional Diarrhea” It was brilliant and said so much in so few words. I think this is the essence of why so many men withdraw and pull away in the beginning of a relationship or when dating. If a man has not had time to develop an emotional connection with you then your emotional outbursts and drama seems ridiculous to him. He is not invested emotionally in you and sees your inability to manage your emotions as a liability and a major future problem . So it is your duty as a Goddess to get your emotions, triggers and reckless thought patterns under control before you start to catch feelings for a man. This way you can show him that you are one of the few women that are centered, emotionally in touch/in control and therefore fun and easy to be with. This is the woman a man will chase and pursue. Men are sensitive creatures inside and they have strong intuition. They know how difficult a woman will be within a few months of dating her. In a nutshell men become emotionally unavailable when they sense you will be to difficult to be in a relationship with. That is why you hear stories about a man who has been afraid to commit suddenly marry a particular woman. She triggered his commitment button because he feel safe and good in her presence and knew she would not be difficult to be with. This is hard to hear, but long ago someone said it to me and I woke up and changed. Now things are very different in my life. See a little snippet from Katarina’s email below.

Therapists and relationship coaches are always telling you to heal the broken parts of yourself in order to attract a healthy and loving relationship. While this is true, many do not tell you how to exactly do this. The popular belief is that healing is done by talking about your issues and or understanding your childhood traumas etc. Well for many years I talked and analyzed myself to death and it never resulted in a more functionally healthy relationship with a man. It was not until I searched for a spiritual solution that the real changes came. In my search for a spiritual solution to my worldly problems I learned about the nature of the ego (aka lower mind). I first learned about this from authors Eckhart Tolle and Marianne Williamson. Then I came across it again while reading the book “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer. Michael Singer really taught me about the nature of the mind and how to become a witness to it’s drama. When I developed this awareness I was finally able to calm down and become less emotionally destructive and reactive with the man in my life. Developing the higher mind that can bear witness to the restless and problematic mind is what heals you. You become detached from the crazy story that triggers you in relationships. Most importantly you are able to handle uncomfortable feelings and manage your emotions which brings safety to your man. Now that I am married this awareness still proves to be the key. It not only helps me in my loving relationship with my husband, but also my children and work. See excerpt below.

Hello Ladies!If I had to pick one concept for all women to understand that would help them turn their relationship around it would be the concept of “Emotional Safety” for a man. Creating emotional safety for your man means understanding your triggers and knowing how to manage your emotions without dumping on your man or requiring him to fix you. On a daily basis a man feels burdened by the world and feels like he is in a constant state of struggle. He longs for a woman he can turn to that will be his safe haven to rest his weary mind. He wants a woman who can rejuvenate him with her feminine loving energy. He needs a woman to be his retreat. Yet, now a days women find it very difficult to be this safe haven for their men. Women these days are stressed out from the demands of the world and assaulted by their own chaotic egoic minds. Creating emotional safety for your man means you must do the inner work of healing your negative thought patterns that trigger your emotions and behaviors in intimate relationships. When you heal these you become less reactive and you are easier to be with and relate to. You will bring him light and love not darkness and drama. Then a man sees that you are like fresh water in a barren desert. A woman that can provide emotional safety for a man is rare in this world. This rarity is what causes a man to grow and becomes a good partner in order not to lose you. There are few women that get this concept and actually live it. Read Katarina Phan’s website article below for a more in depth understanding. This article nails it.

Quote By Katarina Phang:
”Communicating your needs before he’s where you’re at emotionally = pressure.  Rotation works better than “communication” cause your “communication” is nothing but trying to fix him and it never works.  High-value women understand this instinctively that trying to fix a man or a relationship never works to their advantage.  They only focus on their own happiness cause when they’re happy likelihood is the relationship will fix itself or someone better will come along.”

Hello!So I have spent the last few days immersing myself in relationship coach Katarina Phang’s programs and youtube videos. Katarina’s e-book “He’s Really That Into You, He’s Just Not Ready” came out in 2012 and she has been an active and influential relationship coach since then. I remember coming across her work in 2016 when I was beginning my healing journey and my blog. I also remember I did not feel a connection with her work so I continued to focus my attention on the works of Christian Carter, Rori Raye, Kristina Marchant, Mathew Boggs and Pat Allen. I learned so much in those years from these wonderful coaches and I was able to transform the relationship with my EUM (emotionally unavailable man) into a beautiful commitment and marriage in September of 2017 (see my pic above). Now that I am married and settled in I went on the hunt to learn more about this whole relationship coaching business and community. This is when I found Katarina again. Let me first say she is probably not for everyone. She is very direct and very spiritual which can be be off putting to some. At first I was resistant and did not take her seriously, but as I carefully listened to her YouTube videos I realized she was really on to something. Her programs and work are not necessarily different from the coach’s I mention above, although she has a different viewpoint on communication and sex. Her main teachings center around, the art of leaning back, feminine and masculine energy, the art of controlling your emotions and detaching from the ego mind. As we all know these are the holy grail concepts in the relationship coaching community. The thing that makes her different is her approach to healing and solving relationship issues. She has a very Eastern philosophical approach that centers around the understanding that relationships are the vehicles for personal transformation and healing (I ALWAYS FELT THIS TO BE TRUE). She also teaches that it is the deranged and chaotic egoic mind that causes all our problems. She teaches that a woman must heal her own mind before she can have a loving and committed relationship (THIS IS ALSO THE MAIN TEACHING IN MY COACHING YAY!). This healing takes place when a woman grows in awareness and distances herself from the crazed thinking patterns developed by unmet needs in childhood. Katarina preaches that a woman must develop her TRUE self (spiritual self) that is non-reactive, centered in awareness and exudes loving feminine energy in order to attract a good man and love. She also says that any EUM can transform from a frog into prince when a woman does her inner work and her behavior and energy changes. So with all this said – I LIKE HER!!!! She resonates with my work and coaching philosophies. She won me over because the inner work she describes is what I used in my life and what changed my relationship from awful to beautiful. Katarina is genuine and has a deep understanding of true relationship dynamics and deep inner healing. Maybe it’s her straightforwardness, her endless talk about engagements she helped to create, her eastern philosophical like solutions, or that she films her youtube videos sipping a glass of champagne (This was seriously the moment I decided she was for me lol!), either way she is the real deal and I like her. Just thought I would share this with you all. I will write more about her teachings in future blogs!